Calgary.. A quiet place afterall.

I've recently taken to thinking that there was no place in this whole city where I could just go and have time to myself. Even when I walk down the street alone, people talk to me. When I go shopping, I run into someone I know. Res is just never quiet time, unless I decide to be awake in the middle of the night. The school, obviously, is never quiet, never.. There is no personal in CBC. But tonight, after a fabulously good dinner with all the NSA kids and Dave Sattler, I was walking back to res, and it was silent. There were no drug dealers trying to sell me thier merchandise, no cars, no trains, not even a gust of wind whipping through the buildings. And you know what I did? Without really even thinking about it, I started to pray.
something is changing in me, and I don't know what it is, but I do know that it is for the better. I want to share with you a part of my speech that I wrote for public speaking, but I don't have it on this computer. I'll put it online next time. But it is in regards to the change that is still trying to take place in my life, it's not yet complete. There's still the times when I just want to tear down everything and just let go, do whatever. There's times when I've done it, but it doesn't make me feel any better in the end. I was reading through my journal the other day, and I read an entry that said "It's time I start taking seriously the effect of my habits on my life". When I was talking about my habits, I was talking about music, movies, and stuff like that. I dont think I've done it on purpose, but when I listen to rap /hip-hop kind of music, I walk differently. When I listen to that kind of music, I talk differently. And so one day I decided I was just going to listen to uplifting, Christian music, and for the rest of the week (I'm not even kidding) I was all smiles. This is not to say that I am going to go nuts and only listen to Christian music all the time, because that would be a bit too much (for me, at least) but to allow myself the peace that it gives me once in awhile. I've always been a kind of "worship" Christian. I don't know if that makes sense, but the way I feel God lifts me up the most, speaks to me the most, is through worship music. That's why, when worship at a church event is crappy, I get extremely crabby. Like at youth group, when it used to be so loud in the sanctuary that we couldn't hear the music, I'd get extremely pissed off.
On a side note, I dont know where this update is going.. but it's going there, ok? dont' hate me!
anyways, worship has always been extremely important to me, and for a long time, I just blocked it out of my life. I had a void in my life that I knew exactly how to fill, but I just wouldn't have it. Which, of course, makes no sense at all. But now that I'm here, now that I've realized my mistakes, I'm trying so hard to rectify them, but all I can take are little wee baby steps. (I said wee, cara!) It's slow going, but it's going. That's all that matters.
I am thankful for such good friends in my roomies and neighbors, I think that the end of the year, while exciting cause I get to go home, will be very sad, because I will miss my roomies and neighbors (who may as well be roomies anyways) alot....
Tonight, people are not here. Everyone's gone out to a coffee house or something like that, and so the quiet time has allowed me time to think.. To think about who I am, to think about who I want to be.. It's going to take alot of work.. but I'm willing if God's willing, and we all know that He is... So for now.. Grace and Peace be with you always.

Much Love
Ashley
xoxo

And this song is dedicated to my beloved Kawkawa, which closed down. Kawkawa is responsible for alot of spiritual highs through the years, and I cant imagine how different my life would have been without it. Im sorry to have it closed down, it makes me very sad, and I fell in love with this song at that camp.. So here it is.. Just a small thank you to Kawkawa, in my own little way.

I sing a simple song of love, to my savior, to my Jesus.
I'm thankful for the things you've done,
my loving savior, my precious Jesus.
My heart is glad that you've called me your own;
and there's no place I'd rather be,
than in your arms of love. In your arms of love.
Holding me still, you are holding me near, in your arms of love.