yesterday once more

Standing in sunbeams
walking on lines
Nothing will make me
Forget all those times

When the start of each morning
Brought nothing but joys
Meant a day to be spent
outside with my toys

When late in the evening,
Darkness would fall
and I'd sit in dad's lap
cause I was so small

when lunchtime at school
meant picnics with Mom
crazy fun playtimes
Then unsettling calm

when everything was
Just so clear and so true
and I didnt have to worry
about hurting you

Though I wont forget them
Those days are long gone
now I sit here and wonder
Why we're moving on

why suddenly your world
Doesnt' involve me
and why I don't climb anymore
To the top of the tree

I sit here and wonder
Where the innocence has gone l
ike I used to wonder
how God made the dawn..

Sometimes I just feel
So lost and so wasted
like a an old and full bottle
That nobody tasted.

Today, life is just like
One of those days
where no matter what happens
Seems like everyone pays..

Back in the day (a month ago?!)

Today was a day that reminded me of my life back in calgary..
Noooo, I didn't hang out with a bunch of gangsters.. Rather, I took a nice hot bath, complete with a candle and music, (not the phone, tho, ha ha) and for supper, I cut up some chicken, and made a wrap just like I used to with Crystal and Shaunna back in the day! Mmmm it was soo good!
And after that, I called Shaunna cause I missed her, and so .. today is just a calgary day.. In general!

That's really all I have to say about that.. Im tired, I've been working like crazy! Soooo
much love

Shle
Xoxo

them love chat too much

The best nerosurgeon she could reccomend
Suddenly doesn't know a bloodclaat thing
All the while she is too emotionally involved..

One tumor
Two Tumors
One tumor
Two a dem...

Cancer, not cancer..
Not cancer.. cancer...

"Please leave your emotions at the door,
They are not requred to make this decision"
sometimes emotions are the best thing
Can you guarantee that this wont hurt him?

All I need is my dad to be around
a little while longer

Please tell us what is true, not what you think
Please find something you can agree on

Next week, next month? Next year?
figure this out -- and let us know only when you're positive..

Stop guessing and pretending you know

I can't play this game anymore..
Up and Down, back and forth.....
Right and wrong
Too Close and Too far
Insane and Hearing voices

Everything's blurred, so many people saying so many things..

All I want to know is the truth, and how we can fix it..

Footlong? yeah right...

sooooo it finally happened. A guy was cocky enough to respond in a dirty manner to the question I am forced to ask at work... "Footlong or six inch?"
THe man looks at me, winks, and then says... "Guess..."

And I blushed and I was so embarassed, and I couldn't look him in the face afterward.. Imagine me, the most not-shy girl ever, blushing at a dirty joke.. then again, I didnt know the man, so I guess that makes sense...

AWKWARD!!!!


Ok That's my bit for now.. I'm going to go see X-Men III...


RESPECT ALWAYS

Shle
Xoxo

See it burning in my eyes,
Don't want words,
Don't want no lies,
They say more than what is spoken,
Promises always get broken,
Feels so lonely,
Won't you show me,
Where I need to be
You bring me to life.

Give Unto Me

this is me, slipping slightly and slowy back into my old ways of poetry, evanescence, reading and writing.. It's my world, where I can be who I want to be.. where I can talk out my frustrations, hurt and depression.. However.. I dont want to be depressed right now..
I need to be strong in this time, but I think that my mistake in the past was depending on myself alone for strength.. I wanted to fix my own problems, I didn't want any help from anyone...
Ever since I've been back from school, I've seen a community such as I've never seen before. People saying they'll pray, and actually meaning it.. People coming by with flowers, cards, just to say hi.. People paying for things.. People crying when they see our pain..
It means something to me now when people hug me and ask how my dad is.. I guess before, I never thought anyone actually cared.. But I know they do.. God has put some amazing people in my life at the moment.. Im very grateful for them..

I can make it thru this, but I cannot do it alone..
I think that this time will be different. I am willing to admit that I cann't deal with this on my own...

I've been watching you from a distance

The distance sees through your disguise

All I want from you is your hurting

I want to heal you

I want to save you from the dark

Give unto me your troubles

I'll endure your suffering

Place onto me your burden

I'll drink your deadly poison

Alberta Bound????

So... I was lying in my bed, fast asleep at five in the morning on the twentieth of May.. All of the sudden, a light flicks on, which causes me to turn around, see three figures walking down the stairs, but I was so sleepy, I decided that they didn't matter, so I covered my head and tried to get back to sleep..
All of the sudden, I hear "ASHLEY, WAKE UP, IT'S SNOWING!" followed by a laugh from both mom and Cara.. Then I was like.. "OH MY GOD", for without turning, I recognized the voice of my brother... I looked, and said "Oh my GOD" again.. then I covered my head again, for I was really confused... But I dont think it was my fault, you see.. When you shock someone like that at five in the morning, only you are to blame for thier confusion..
So Mike and Cara were here for the weekend, and it was fabulous to have them here.
Without realizing it entirely, I missed my brother alot..
What made me want to talk about that? Well recently, I scanned about 150 pics of my brother for him to choose from for his wedding slideshow.. That was an emotional enough time, but then I decided tonight to listen to the song that he is using for it, while looking thru the pics..

Ummm I'll admit it.. I cried.. I think this is the first time that it actually hit me.. My brother is getting married...

That's wierd.. I think I'll miss him even more when he's not just my family, but part of Cara's..

Umm yeah.. Im really tired... THis blog is kind of scatter-brained, but I had this thought and so here I am, all sentimental.. I love my brother... I was looking through my old diaries from when i was a kid, and one of the entries said "Mike is being annoying today! He's making up words that ARENT EVEN REAL!!!!"
I think I miss him... alot.. It's like he's already gone and married.. Hmm...

Mike, just so you know, that slideshow is going to have your WHOLE ENTIRE FAMILY bawling thier eyes out, if they arent already cried out from the wedding itself..

And it's not necessarily a bad thing.. We're just gonna miss you... alot..


xoxoxoxo

a better son or daughter

sometimes in the morning i am petrified and can't move.
awake, but cannot open my eyes.
and the weight is crushing down on my lungs, i know i can't breathe.
and hope someone will save me this time.
and your mother's still calling you insane and high
swearing it's different this time.
and you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
and that God never blessed her insides.
then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
and crawl back into bed to dream of a time
when your heart was open wide and you loved things just because
like the sick and the dying.

and sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on
and your friends they sing along and they love you.
and the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap
and it teases you for weeks in its absence.

but you'll fight and you'll make it through
you'll fake it if you have to
and you'll show up to work with a smile
you'll be better and you'll be smarter
and more grown up
and a better daughter or son
and a real good friend
and you'll be awake, you'll be alert, you'll be positive though it hurts
and you'll laugh and embrace all your friends
you'll be a real good listener, you'll be honest, you'll be brave
you'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful.
you'll be happy.

your ship may be coming in.
you're weak, but not giving in
to the cries and the wails of the valley below.
and your ship may be coming in.
you're weak, but not giving in.
and you'll fight it, you'll go out fighting all of them.



rilo kiley.

Learning Lessons???

Sooooooo remember how I was all like.. I'm gonna quit subway and blah blah blah...? well doesn't look like that's gonna happen anymore..

I think it's ironic that I said the thing I learned this year was that God's in control, and I shouldn't really rely on my own plans....

IT'S REALLY STARTING TO GET ANNOYING, Y'HEAR?

I really wish that God would stop fucking with my plans and leave my dad and family alone...

I guess I'm just ranting..... I know that everything is for the best.. sometimes it's just hard to deal with... I know that God is going to take care of us and provide for us... Sometimes it just feels good to FREAK THE HELL OUT!

Ok I'm cool..

Respect Always
Shle
Xoxo

Fast Cars and freedom

I think that if I get that job with Cove, today was God's way of telling me that I dont need to work for Ranjit anymore.. That was my way of telling you that today was a really challenging day. Not working at subway, that's pretty much a breeze, I've been at it for two years.. No, it's not subway that's the challenge.. It's Ranjit.. (My boss)
I opened up the store with no problems or hassles. Then the boss came in, and everything went downhill from there. He started his shift by questioning eveything I had done, and everything I was doing after that.. If that wasnt bad enough, his son came in.. That's frustrating, not because of his son, but because of what Ranjit allows. His son is in grade eight, and every day, he comes up from school and gets a free sandwich. Now, that's not a big deal, right? his Dad owns the place, it's no biggie.. But the reason that it bothers me, is because of the sign he put up in the back room. It says, in no uncertian terms, if anyone is caught givng any food from the store to friends or family, then they will be fired.. This includes employee meals.. It frustrates me because he says one thing for his employees and then turns around and does the opposite. IT's like one of those "Do as I say, not as I do" things.. It's a complete double standard.. and that's not the only thing.. He's strict on the uniform. Black shoes, black pants, shirt, hat and apron.. Guess who comes into work each day with jeans and who doesnt wear hat or apron while working in the front? You got it.. The boss. It's really hard to deal with stuff like that. I think that if he expects something from his employees, then he should show consideration, and follow his own rules.
Another frustrating aspect of working with the boss, is that he is constantly talking about other employees, and I dont like it.. First of all, one of the people who works there is my friend, and every time he complains about her, I'm forced to listen to him bitch her out behind her back, and I dont like it. When I told him that today, he got really upset, and said that I was siding with my friend, just because she's my friend.. I had to explain that I wasn't siding with anyone, simply that I didnt want to hear about her from him..
Wait.. it gets better.. wanna hear something creepy? Ranjit sits at home on his computer, to his own confession, and watches the security cameras at the store.. I don't like that at all. It makes me feel like he doesn't trust me at all, and I just don't like working under that pressure, knowing that he's probably watching everything I'm doing. grrr..
Ok one more thing.. I was taking an order today, and the customer ordered a certian type of bread. I gave it to him, and then when he left, Ranjut got mad at me, saying that I was supposed to use up the old bread first. I said we didnt have any leftover of the kind the customer asked for, and Ranjit said that I'm supposed to lie to the customer, and tell him I only have whatever the old bread is until it's gone. You get me? sorry, that's a bit confusing.. Anyways.. I refuse.. I told my boss that working there to me, is more than just making money, and I treat the customers how I'd like to be treated. It's not fair for him to ask me to do any less.. Let alone asking me to lie to them.. No, I wouldn't...
Today was just a really frustrating day for me.. Working for him is really pushing my buttons, and I found myself loosing patience more than once, which I know isn't good.. I don't want to work for someone who has no respect for me or his customers..
I feel like I'm done with him... But I'll have to see, I can't just quit without some other kind of security..

Anyways.. On a lighter note, Im buying my car on Sunday.. at least, I think I am... Anyways, It's a chevy Corsica, and I'm super excited. It looks exactly like this pic, except it's green..
Whitney has decided that it's a boy, and now all we have to do is name it..
And pimp it out.. It already has a CD player, so let's hope the speakers are good... All I need is some dice for the mirror, spinners, chrome.. HAHAH YEAH RIGHT..... It's a nintey two corsica.. I'll just stop at the beads.. Muah..
Ok for now, I think I'm going to go.. I need to work tomorrow, and I need my strength if I need to put up with my boss.....




Nuff love and respect always
Shle
xoxo

Come listen to my truest thoughts, my truest feelings
All my peers doing years beyond drug dealing
How many caskets can we witness
Before we see it's hard to live
This life without God, so we must ask forgiveness
Ask mama why God deserved to die
Witness the tears falling free from my eyes
Before she could reply
Though we were born without a silver spoon
My broken down TV, show cartoons in my living room
One day I hope to make it
A player in this game
Mama don't cry, long as we try
Maybe things change

none

Hey- here I am...
Just updating cause I got the time on my hands, and I'm awake, which is wierd.
Anyways... Today I went into work, and opened for the first time in eight months. I did pretty good, save for the fact that the alarm no longer liked the code I used to use, and so the alarm was going off for 10 minutes before the stupid company decided to call and ask if things were ok. Then I told them, NO, THINGS ARE NOT OK, THE ALARM IS GOING OFF!
Then it all got fixed, and the code worked the second time I tried it. By this time, my day was not starting off well.. But then, everything got better, cause people were so nice today, and pleasant, and it was sunny outside and I just had a generally good day. My friend Paul came into subway, and it made me happy, cause I havent seen him for eight months either, and we had a nice talk. Then my daddy came in to work, and I took a break and we shared a sandwich.. It was nice. After work, I went home, changed out of my stinky subway clothes, and then went shopping! It's my parents anniversary tomorrow, and so I did some shopping, and then went to visit my friend kelsey.. It was nice. ummmm so yeah now I'm here.
I guess that's all I have to say about my day..

I'm freaked out about my dad.. There's no denying that.. My mom is all worried about me, cause she thinks I keep all my feelings inside, but truth be told, I just dont show my weakness to them, cause I want to be strong for my family. I even told her that if I want to talk about it, I'll do it, but I guess I just dont want to talk about it to them. Nothing personal.. It's times like this that I wish my brother was at home with me. I guess thru everything, He's been there for me, and so it makes it easier for me to be there for my parents. ...
At church on sunday, everyone gathered around my dad and we prayed like crazy. It was really powerful, and I was encouraged, if only a little bit. Sean said they would keep praying until he was healed. He left no option for anything else. I dunno, I'm kind of scared to get my hopes up.. I mean, Im not just giving up and thinking that this is the end, but I also don't want to just be like "Well He's gonna be just fine" and then go on pretending everything's alright. You know what I mean? That's just not a smart way to live life, pretending that everythings alright and that there's not a trouble in the world..

You know what really stresses me out? When people try to tell me what to do with my life. Take, for example, school vs. Work.. I am taking a year off of school in order to get money in order to go back to college. Some people **cough**mom**cough** have issues with that, and seem to think that if I take any time off, I will never ever go back to school and my life will be RUINED! Some people just dont understand the type of person that I am.. If I have a plan, if I have a dream, then Im going to do whatever it takes to achieve that. That's just the kind of person that I am. Im going to work for what I want, I dont like accepting charity.. I guess I'm proud.. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or what, but I am, and I don't see that see that changing anytime soon..

So yeah.. I guess I'm going to go for now.. Tomorrow I have an interview for a job with Cove Community Church, as an administrative assistant. I am really looking forward to the interview, and really excited for the oppurtunity to get this job... I think it would be hella better than working for a certian someone at subway.. He's a bit of a jerk..
Oh well..

Ok this time I really am going to go..

Peace, Love and Respect always

Ashley
Xoxo

pray for my dad

You would think that my first real blog from home would be full of excitement and happiness and such, but sad to say, no..

Im posting this to ask for prayer ... we just found out that my dad is really super sick, and it's just really really bad, worse than before, and so if you think about it, could you keep him in your prayers? It would be really appreciated...

I love my dad very much.... I need him around...

*sigh*

Ok So yeah - just pray for him, ok??
Thanks

Love ashley

HEAR ME,
IM CRYING OUT, I'M READY NOW.
TURN MY WORLD UPSIDE DOWN
FIND ME
I'M LOST INSIDE A CROWD
IT'S GETTING LOUD
I NEED YOU TO SEE
I'M SCREAMING FOR YOU TO PLEASE
HEAR ME