don't worry

Lately I've been neglecting my duties as a blogger, mostly because I feel I have nothing to say - My life has not changed in the past couple of weeks, it's still the same - Work, Sleep, Eat, Read, Work, etc..... My dad has been doing alot better, but then this past week, my mom finally crashed and has been sick... So it's been crazy around here, alot of emotional tension and stress, in regards to our house, our money (or lack thereof) and just our lives in general. It's really hard living from one day to the next, even though we're told in the bible not to worry about tomorrow... It's in our nature as humans to think that it's really up to us to provide for one another, that it's really up to us to decide what's going to happen in the future.. It's really easy for us to say that God will provide, but it's equally difficult to actually put our faith in that belief and just let everything go. I've been feeling lately alot like I Have to provide for myself. I have to work hard to make the money, I have to pay the rent (sooooon) and to be honest, I've been taking far too much credit for my life. It's really God who's in charge, God who knows what we're dealing with, God who knows how it's gonna be dealt with. I only wish, as a human, that he would share some of those ideas with me so that I don't have to worry about them anymore. But honestly, who do I think I am that the God of the universe should let me in on his plan?
Anyways, this is what I am dealing with lately, as Im sure my family is too... When are we gonna be ok? ? ?

Also, I've come to the realization that all this worry is a sin. I'm not quite sure exactly how that works out, but I know it's true. It's basically showing a lack of trust and faith in God to worry about everything. Sometimes the bible verse about the birds and god providing (Refrence?) is a comfort to me, and other times, a source of unease, because I read it, and I look at everyone else around me and realize, sure, they're alright. but we're not! Helloooooooo? I do know that this is a selfish thought, after all I've seen both in this country and out of it, but once again, it's easier to know what's wrong than to take action and correct it..

I have also been on an emotional roller coaster ride when it comes to boys.. You have no idea how strong my desire is to find the man God has provided for me (somewhere) and marry him and live forever together in His will.. It's not even funny, I know alot of girls have fantasies and dream about thier wedding and things, but to me it's such a strong desire that it hurts alot of the time to look at my life and realize the wrong path I was going down - and to wonder where this man is, and how he will ever accept this broken woman.... To wonder when I will learn to trust in GOD that he has my husband waiting for me, when I will actually realize that no, I'm not ready for him yet, otherwise I'd be with him.. It took alot for me to end things with the guy I'd been "seeing"... With my desire to be loved comes my fear of bieng alone. I knew things with Gerald were wrong, but I didnt want to end them until I had some kind of security in the form of another boyfriend... Well Life doesnt work like that.... To you that may be obvious, and it's silly because I know that too - I just didn't want to play by the rules - I didn't want to wait for the right one to find me, I was getting sick of waiting. That lack of patience lead me to all sorts of nasty relationships that Im still struggling to end right now - For the most part I've taken giant steps towards letting these people go, but there's still a part of me that holds on - the part that feels the need to be loved. But I also need to realize that what these people have to offer me is not love, in any way, shape or form. GOSH life is so hard sometimes.
The deepest desire of my heart at this moment in time is to find the man that God has for me, so that we can both be encouraged in HIS perfect love, so that we can take example from that and each other and build a strong, loving, CHRISTIAN relationship.. no crossing the boundaries, none of that bulllllll crap... I'm sick of crossing the boundaries...
I guess if you really wanted to, you could keep this in mind when you pray - and ask for guidance, patience, and trust for me and my family in this difficult time...

I love you all to the max, and I hope to talk to you soon..

Shle
xoxo