"I'll show up and take care of you as I promised, and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing, I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you a future to hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. When you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be dissapointed. "
- The Message (the bible in contemporary language) , by Eugene H. Peterson
You have no idea how much this alone encourages me, and discourages me at the same time. I know my God's there. I know he's got everything covered, that even though it doesnt seem right, his plan will prevail - and his plan is only filled with goodness and mercy and love.
but yet there's that clause - "WHEN you get serious..." I want to be serious about finding God. I want to be serious about my relationship with him. I want more than anything for him to be my number one passion in life. I dont want anything else.. But yet I still hang on to the things of this world - I wish it was easy to let them go. I wish it was easy to stop sinning. To stop making this canyon between me and God bigger and bigger still.. But I dont know what to do ..
I dont know how to make it right again. Sometimes it seems like my sins are too big.. right now that's how it seems.
I saw someone today who made me think about my brother, and who made me wonder how he got through - some stuff. How he got to where he is today, how he has such a strong relationship with God. It made me wonder how my brother had given up the thing he had gotten into, how he was strong enough to stand up to it and move on with his life.. cause I can't seem to do that. im constantly craving the things of this world. I want to learn how to be in the world and not of it. But it's so damn hard! I dont know how people do it..
yes, this is my desire. I want to live for God, I dont want anything else ... but yet I can't seem to let it go?
I've seen You calm the waters raging the rivers of my mind
Your spirit blows a breeze into my soul
And I've felt the fire that warms the heart
Knowing that it comes from You
Then I've let it turn as cold as a stone
Sometimes I feel like I'm as close as your shadow
Sometimes I feel like I'm looking up at You
from the bottom of the Grand Canyon,
so small and so far
From the Grand Canyon, with a hole in my heart
And I'm a long way from where I know I need to be
Cause there's a Grand Canyon between You and me
I've had the faith that gave me strength
for moving any mountainside
I've felt the solid ground beneath my feet
But I've had the bread of idleness while
drinking from a well of doubt
And it shakes the core of all I believe
Sometimes I feel like I'm as close as your shadow
Sometimes I feel like I'm looking up at you
from the bottom of the Grand Canyon
so small and so far
From the Grand Canyon, with a hole in my heart
And I'm a long way from where I know I need to be
Cause there's a Grand Canyon between You and me
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1 comment:
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I don not do, but what I hate, I do."
You're not alone, girl. We all struggle with that. I don't get it, why it's so hard sometimes. Something God hammered down my throat a while back was that, while we still struggle with sin, we are no longer BOUND to it. We don't HAVE to. It does not have mastery over us. It may feel like it, but it doesn't.
Here's a bit of a song that has impacted me SO SO deeply the last little while, for similar reasons...
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me
For I am His and He is
mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ
No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of
man
Can ever pluck me from His hand'
Till He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand
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