hee hee hee too funny!

Hey read these jokes.. I've said it before and I'll say it again - laughter is great for you!
Give er a try - thanks to mitch hedburgh

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy, y'know. Refrigerator, Toaster, Blender. You just say what the thing does, then you add "er". Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute: "What's this thing do?" "It keeps stuff fresh." "well, that's a 'Fresher'... I'm going on break."

I hate dreaming because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, y'know, like there I am laying on my comfortable bed. It's beautiful... next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut, man. I'll just give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend, "Don’t even act like you didn't get that doughnut." "I've got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it's at home... in the file... under 'D'."

Y'know when they show someone on TV washing their hair under a waterfall? That's bullshit, man, cuz that thing would knock you on your ass.

I saw a lady with a flower. She was plucking out the petals. She was saying, "He loves me... he loves me not." Thank god the flower can't talk. What would it say? "SHIT! That hurts! Ah! That hurts as well. OW, leave me alone. I'm no longer pretty... and he loves you not. I could have told you I had an even number of petals!"

I have a cheese shredder at home, that's a positive name for a cheese shredder. They don't call it by its negative name, cause no one would buy it: sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge... that would melt easily over tortilla chips.

There's a commercial on late-night TV for this thing you attach to a garden hose. It says, "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the hell would make their plants hard to reach!? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully, they'll invent a product before you shrivel and die. Think like a cactus!"

The depressing thing about tennis is no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're friggen relentless.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here. Gotta go.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I went to the store, bought eight apples. The clerk said, "Do you want me to put 'em in a bag?" I said "Oh no, man, I juggle! But I can only juggle eight... if I'm ever here buying nine apples, bag em' up!"

Foosball messed up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several... simultaneously with two other guys... that look just like me.

People teach their dogs to sit. It's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.