unintentional, unknown, undone..

I dont know where tihs is going to end up going, but I feel the urge to write. So here I am. I have no better place to put my feelings right now than right here on my blog.
Sometimes I wish (and I don't think I'm alone here) that we could go back to the times when life was simple. So many innocent things from the past swim infront of my eyes as if they belong there. Back when the ice cream truck brought the most excitement of the day. Back when going to meet my mom at the park on school lunch hours was the thing I most looked forward to. Back to when laying on the floor laughing with a friend was the funnest thing to do around the house. I pause at least once a day to reminisce on the past, and these are the things that I remember the most. The happiest times, before I became a love sick teenager, before I knew what alchohol tasted like, before everything changed. I dont know of an exact time when it all happened. We loose our innocence a day at a time. But we all know where the most damage occured, and that was back on the beaches of some tropical Island. Where I tasted freedom, and decided to use it to my own advantage, as well as my own demise. I abused the freedom that I was entrusted with. My innocence was dashed away along with any hopes at living the pure life I only can dream about now. I changed.
Now here I am, two years down the road. sometimes I look back at those stolen moments in Jamaica and I feel used. Sometimes I look back at them and feel filthy - sometimes I just don't know what to feel or what to think, and so I draw myself in and hide from the world behind a filthy sheet of glass - so everyone can only see my shadow. But sometimes, I am open. Now. I admit that I'm lost. I admit that I don't know what Im doing anymore. I admit that I'm scared. Scared of the past. scared of today. scared of the future.
It's a frightening prospect to consider that we don't know ANYTHING about what will happen in the future. Sure, people make plans, but it's not until they have been fulfilled that we know what's going on. And then there are people like me, who have no plans whatsoever.
What do I do? there are so many choices for my near future. I go to BC, but then what? Do I work? Do I go to school? How about both? Ok, and once that's decided, what happens when September rolls around. School or what? Ok, here are some things I've thought about. 1. I go to Cap, I start my university transfer program like a good little girl. 2. I go back to AUC/NUC, so long as I dont have to live in Res.... 3. I go to Tyndale university in Ontario. (no, I will not live with my grandmother or aunt) 4. I go to New Zeland and attend Capenray. 5. I go somewhere exotic, for no reason other than experience.
Now some of you will look at this list and say that I am bieng unrealistic. But I don't think so. Every idea on this list is completely achievable. I just don't quite know what to do with myself.
So for now, I choose to sleep. Mabye tomorrow I will tackle the insane question of what to do with my life.....

Love Forever
Ashley
Xoxo

P.S. Hi Whitney....

If you want to destroy My sweater
Hold this thread, and Just walk away
Watch me unravel, I'll soon be naked
Lying on the floor, lying on the floor
I've come Undone.